shelled & deshelled

it could be the alcohol talking

2005-10-13T04:42:00.000+08:00

I feel that life is complete.
With you, with my dad,
with everything in place,
like it should have been in the first place.

Suddenly the decisions we've made before,
the ones that scarred,
the ones that seemed ultimately idiotic,
they all make sense now.

Would things still have turned out this way
if we re-did the choices we had?
Would we be in this state
of absolute bliss and contentment?

No what ifs, my dear,
no what ifs.
This is what it is.
As simple as that.
A culmination of consequences.
This is what it is.

Love. Happiness.
All in front of us,
on a silver platter.
Here it is.

Or maybe all this
is just the alcohol talking.

forgotten...

2005-09-19T01:36:00.000+08:00

nude in spotlight

2005-09-16T02:51:00.000+08:00

My dear, you have no idea,
how delicious you look to me.
Your bronzed skin
begs to be kissed
and beckons me
to touch,
to caress,
to hold my body close to yours.

You, my sweets,
are my Greek God.

1st year anniversary: random collage

2005-09-16T02:39:00.000+08:00

am i your friend?

2005-09-14T10:58:00.000+08:00

I don't know where I rank,
or if I'm actually a friend.
I only know I read
and felt my heart break for him.

This boy,
my happy boy,
a friend from long ago.
So different upon meeting again.
So different now.

My dear
it is not your fault
that things turn out this way.
Even my tears are not your cause.

Your sillyness about how God works
and the way your karma comes round,
they make me giggle
and make me fear.

Fearing your neediness,
lonely.
Worrying about your fears,
haunting.

I wish to fly to your side,
and hold you tight.
Tell you the truth and what-nots.
Let you be all emotional with an approving nod.

I wish you would take me
more of a friend
and call me to talk.
Why can't you do so?

it's been a year

2005-09-11T03:57:00.000+08:00

it's been a year
since our nicknames showed
on an IRC channel
late into a Saturday night

that same night
our eyes first met
at the coffee shop
where we were to rendezvous

just a year ago
when we first spoke
and i chided you
for only needing a second to get a pack of smokes

a year ago
when we visited Old Changi Hospital
and brave you
strutted right in front of the rest

on the same day last year
we felt something
some sort of connection
with each other

a year later
today
we are married
we have a home

a year
can bring so much difference
to two lives
so inconsequential

365 days
of so much bonding
fighting
loving

8760 hours
of so much kissing
love making
fun and laughter

525600 minutes
of ups and downs
breaks and makes
love and hate

how much change
can a year in your life bring?
plenty
that is

but no matter
how much time
slips by
between you and me

i will love you
i will forgive you
i will understand you
i will want to spend the rest of my years with you

a year of change
in exchange
for more years of happiness
to come

i love you, sweets.

the deed that decided her future

2005-09-07T04:01:00.000+08:00

She turned her head around. There he was, just looking out the window. Was he sending her off with his eyes? Or was he just getting a bit of fresh air?

She would never know, because at the back of her mind, she had no intentions of speaking to her ever again. He was condemned to be her history. And she was to be his.

They were two strangers who randomly found each other in cyberspace. They went on a date, followed by mindless sex. No love. No commitments. Just a pure bout of physical connection.

He said he would call again. She intended not to pick up if he did. Halfway through the deed she was already ashamed of herself. She felt like a whore who wasn't even going to be paid.

She told herself that if she was ever going to have sex without love ever again, she would do it as a paid prostitute. And she did.

4th of September

2005-09-07T03:52:00.000+08:00

we drove down the expressways
in the sunny Sunday morning light
after breakfast at a coffeeshop
and laughter at our table

taking a turn into the columbarium
to commemorate
not celebrate
mummy's 42 birthday

i almost forgot how old she would be
if not for the fact
that she will always be
20 years older than me

a lone plastic lily
sitting in the tiny metal vase
attached to the side
of my mum's marble home

she stays alone there
every single day
when we visit her
i wonder if she's ok

does she smile when she sees us
prancing around her tomb as if she's alive
talking to her about our recent happenings
showing her how we've lost/gained weight

did you like the flower arrangement?
we picked the flowers for you
daddy, damien, nash and i
the pinks, the whites and the forget-me-nots

sometimes i wish she still had a phone
so we could call and talk
even if just to say hi
it would be quite nice

alas her existence is confined
to that urn of ashes and bones
no hugs
no naggings anymore

i think this is what they mean
by you won't know what you have
until you lose it
and i've lost her forever

happy birthday, mummy.
may you be happy up in heaven.

2005-08-28T23:53:00.000+08:00

6 months...

2005-08-05T16:04:00.000+08:00

Six hearts made into a butterfly
marking six months of two lives as one.
Your effort put in,
your commitment given,
measures up more than six months.

Thank you for the time, the patience, the understanding, and the love.
Your presence in my life is truly greatly appreciated.
I love you.

Who says being married you must "settle down"?

2005-07-25T15:42:00.000+08:00

I do not understand why people who know about my marital status just have to constantly "kindly remind" me that I should be settled down, and not still out at clubs shaking my ass off. Why? Who stated the law that when you're married you must be homebody? WHO?

From what Hubs and I believe, even though we are married, it does not mean that we should feel "tied down" and reject all former activities that we used to enjoy as singles, eg: clubbing, drinking, late night movies, etc. We are ultimately individuals who have preferences for our pastimes. There is no law that says that being a married woman, I cannot go out for Ladies' Nights and get high, or even drunk. And if my husband is supportive of me going out to enjoy myself, I don't see why you bloody fuckwits are trying to drill the idea of my lifestyle being "wrong".

Just wait til YOU get married and your partner has similar conservative ideals of how YOU should be "settled down" and forbids you to have any sort of slight debauchery in your outings with friends. No alcohol, no contact with members of the opposite sex, no late nights be it alone or as a couple.

Maybe life might not suck that much for you by the time you find your other half and have such rules imposed upon you, because you would be much older and definitely less interested, or capable, in such youthful activities. But please use your little brain and think. I am but all of 22 years, and my husband is only 27. Should we restrict ourselves to living lives of old matured couples?

Most Singaporeans these days only get married around their late twenties, which by that time of their lives, they've pretty much been around and are almost getting bored with parties, sex and booze. Naturally they would "settle down" once they finally meet "The One". On the other hand, young couples who get married due to accidental pregnancies are, in a way, forced to live quiet stable lives because of the children. How can the two of you expect to go out clubbing when the baby's at home alone? What would your mother-in-law say?

Whereas on the other hand, my husband and I decided to get married young on our own accord and we have perfectly fine ideals for our lives together. We will probably be enjoying our couplehood for at least 2 years where we will start planning for children. Meanwhile, we can go as crazy as we want because we have zero commitments except to each other.

So, to anyone who feels like lashing out at ME for going partying on weeknights, think before you spill your crap. You have your "ideals" of a married life, and so have we. I'm not imposing my ideals on you, so don't come give me your bullshit either. To each his own. Cheers.

this moment

2005-07-04T05:19:00.000+08:00

I want no fights.
I want no tears.
But how can a love with no downs
be filled with ups?

With no unfortunate,
how can we measure the fortunate?

All this is true
in all the ways of life.

As much as I hate it,
our love becomes so brilliant.

Driving down the expressway
and abruptly stopping by the side,
simply because I want to engulf you with kisses.

Soft and sweet,
Love so meek.
Blink,
and we would miss it.

I want to hold on to each moment
with you
and look back
to say
it was all worth it.

love story

2005-07-04T05:11:00.000+08:00

Hand in hand
we walked through the whole weekend.
Comments from others that we are so loving.
They knew not that we had just fought.

Being all drama by the beach
kissing each other to bits.
Passersby looked on,
astonished to see real-life love like in the movies.

No one,
I am sure,
can ever be in a relationship
as dramatic as ours.

Ups and downs.
Breaks and makes.
Love and hate.
Who could love as fantastic as us?

Like straight out from a movie,
out from the pages of a book,
the scenes of our love
play like the plot of a story.

No stability,
no constants,
no guarantees.
Almost like a game of cards.

But it gets more wonderful
particularly when it follows a low.
Our love
unpredictable and beautiful.

One night was all it took

2005-06-28T01:24:00.000+08:00

Our love,
almost impossible to ignore.
With all that fantastic
sparkle and velour.

Our neediness,
almost impossible to overcome.
To the point of sleeplessness
til rest we get none.

Such great difference
this love has brought.
Making us two people
so distraught.

So let this time pass by quick,
for each other we so do need.
Like air, like water,
our love needs to feed.

Take this hunger away
by holding your lips against mine.
Take this yearning away
by embracing me in your arms.

May our love
pass the test of time,
and pray let our marriage
be jolly and fine.

the place of old

2005-06-28T01:07:00.000+08:00

this place
a house full of memories
right to the brim
waiting to implode

this night
a mind vulnerable
enters a treasure cove
hoarded with feelings forgotten

this host
to entertain
these deserted emotions
longing to be experienced again

this cigarette
lit with a pregnant pause
time reverse
the scenes replayed

this thankful heart
knowing full well
that the past
has taught meaningful lessons

this conciousness
reminded to brush aside
all the pain emerged
keeping the joy close to heart

this girl
by the side of a man
has turned into a woman
all in the name of love

2005-06-24T02:41:00.000+08:00

In Singapore,
we met
we talked
we kissed
and fell in love.

In flight,
we fought
we misunderstood
we disagreed
nearly ending up separated.

In Hong Kong,
we laughed
we cried
we understood
in a new way.

In rain,
we strolled
we fought
we hugged
we love and hate.

In the most unlikely way,
we touched
we made love
we fell in love again
eventually realising we need each other.

In the future,
we hope
we try
we plan
and await life to throw shit at us.

In unison,
we will fight
we will be strong
we will make "us" work
but we have to hold on really tight.

In the meantime,
we will have to part
we will have to bear the pain
we will have to put in more effort
until the day our own nest is ready.

In my heart,
you will always have a special place
you will always make me yearn
you will always be loved
my hubs forever and ever.

2005-06-24T02:37:00.000+08:00

To hold your hand,
exploring uncharted paths,
is almost the greatest feeling
in this world that I've known.

Yet nothing beats
the way my heart skips
when you look at me in the eyes,
and say you love me.

Despite the rain,
Despite the fights,
our love pulled through.

Horrible words said,
heartache reigned,
and still we stayed on.

Love, like what we agreed,
so intangible,
so unreliable,
and so wonderful.

This life,
which I detest so utterly,
has only rewarded me with one thing.
You.

boredom

2005-04-29T04:35:00.000+08:00

Boredom.
Suffocated. Jailed.
Outcast. Weirdo. Loner.
Release.

just thoughts

2005-04-29T04:32:00.000+08:00

Creation.
The avenue to escaping.

Not with pictures,
but with words.

A gift she never possessed
but tries so hard to display.

A road she wishes to take,
yet sees no path towards it.

A life she wants to lead
with no clue how to start.

A short paragraph of words put together
just to say what she wants to say.

A sharing of thoughts
if anyone was interested.

drugs. you make the decision, not them.

2005-04-29T01:48:00.000+08:00

Jezamine's post reminded me of my Social Behavioural Studies assignment on drugs. The comment left by some anonymous government lackey made my blood boil. I just had to leave a comment replying to his.

Just a few points that I have to state:

1) No one forces anyone to take drugs. Everyone has a choice to say no. Unless you were drugged and injected unwilling, I will not accept any other reasons as to why you have illegal substances running through your body.

2) Most commonly, escapism is the reason for drug abuse. To forget their worries, their pain, the situation that they are in. Remember, no one forces them. Someone may have approached them to purchase drugs, but if they had maintained a firm negative stand towards it, NO ONE would have the ability to make them into addicts.

3) Only when there is a demand, will there be a supply. So why is our government hanging this poor Indian man who was just taking orders for marijuana? Go look for the bloody mastermind who is aliasing both sides and hang him instead!

4) Our bloody government should realise that with progression of our society and economy, lifestyles tend to become more liberal. Youngsters go overseas to Australia, America and all over to pursue their studies. In the process of living there, they would be exposed to soft drugs like marijuana (commonly known as "weed", "grass" or "pot") to escape pressures of their school life. Do they come back as drug addicts? No. In fact, many come back as productive, matured young people simply because they have tried whatever it is that the government tries to hard to keep under wraps.

5) Curiosity kills the cat. Show more live examples of suffering drug rehabilitators and let the untainted get a better picture. Are there not enough drug abusers around to start a documentary like such? My detailed research for my project shows that there are way enough cases to compile a whole reality series, but as usual, our government wants to keep everything hush-hush. "Don't let neighbouring countries and interested investors know that we actually have a drug problem too. Shhhh..." How do you plan to scare teenagers out of trying drugs like that???

I do not understand why our government officials always make such controversial decisions as such when they claim to be doing the best for the people of Singapore. If you want to solve the problem, attack the root of the issue, not the branching issues. Just like a tree, if the roots remain, the branches will always grow out again. It is only a matter of time.

Our government has so much to criticise about that I think eventually I'll have to start a whole blog just for them. I have yet appreciated anything they've done except CPF. But since the recent modification of no longer being able to use CPF to pay the deposit of your HDB flat, I think CPF is quite useless from now on.

Now the next thing to do is to see how many hardcore gamblers are nurtured with the development of our Integrated Resorts (IR). You can prevent, but how many can you watch over? If they never admit to being addicted to gambling, there's no fucking way in hell you can assist them. *raises both middle fingers* Balls to you.

Teenage Pregnancy

2005-04-24T02:25:00.000+08:00

On the ride home from having a midnight dinner of Pigs' Organ Soup at Jalan Besar, the words "teenage pregnancy" caught my attention while listening to "Perfect Ten" 98.7FM.

I'm not very clear about the purpose of the infomercial, as I had already missed a significant part of it by then, but I'm positive that it revolves around counselling pregnant teenagers and helping them to cope with the stress and guilt. The words that were spoken by a counsellor "We know how you feel. We know the guilt. We are here with you every step of the way." sparked a flame of fury in me...

Do these counsellors really know how young expecting mothers feel?

Unless the counsellors themselves are or have been pregnant teenagers, they are completely NOT qualified to say that they understand and they "know exactly how you feel" simply because they have NOT been in your shoes. It angers and upsets me when counsellors of any sort say that seemingly understanding/empathising phrase.

Anyone who has spoken to an elder who is giving advice will probably understand why I feel this way. They always tell you things like "I've been through what you're going through now" or "I understand your situation", but do they truly?

Everyone is brought up in a different environment, therefore causing each one to react different to the same sort of situation. In this case, for a pregnant girl who has a happy family that provides full emotional and financial support, she will be upset and feeling guilty about what she has done, but she will never have to worry about the consequences that she will have to face with her family members. She knows that she will be supported and loved no matter what. Therefore, she can choose to keep the baby, or abort it. Either way, with the full encouragement of her family.

Likewise, when the same pregnancy issue arises on a girl who has a broken family where her parents are conservatives and violent, she knows that she will not get enough support to pull herself through the situation. Even if she aborts the child, she will need financial assistance, which as a student, she will not have.

Family and peer support is very crucial to any female who has an unexpected teenage pregnancy. Maternal instincts are natural, therefore swaying her to keep the baby. Yet on the other hand, financial and responsibility issues will definitely arise in time to come if she does not have the full support of her family.

How much can counsellors do then?

Barely anything except to offer the options that the girl can choose from. Mainly the choice to keep, or abort. They cannot offer much assistance other than wisdom and clarification of the consequences that may follow the path taken. No matter what, family and friends are extremely vital to keeping the young mother sane and to make the right choice.

And unless these counsellors have gone through the exact same situation themselves, they really do not understand how hard it is to pull through. Books and knowledge will only get you that far into understanding the situation, but when you're in the middle of it all, your emotions gain control. These same emotions that have been felt so strongly are what the counsels need, and the only thing that will truly make the counsellor understand.

Will they really be there every step of the way?

Will they provide you with the money for the operation should the decision really be so? Will they be there to hold your hand when you are frightened? Will they answer the phone should you call at 3am feeling guilty and upset? How much can they do for you as a good samaritan reaching out to provide assistance? Never as much as how much your family, friends and the father of the child can do. That is for sure.

How would I know, you ask? Because, I was in that same pair of shoes 6 years ago.

what the world wants to see...

2005-04-06T02:48:00.000+08:00

What the world wants to see are beautiful images. Paintings of ravishing beauty like the famous Mona Lisa. Photographs of scantily clad ladies with hourglass figures. Drawings of beautiful people nude. Botero has many sculptures and drawings painstakingly created from his artistic hands and mind, yet, why does his work not gain as much media and public attention? Simply because his work does not represent conventional beauty.

I received some very depressing short messages on my mobile from a very dear female friend of mine out of the blue on Monday night. She had been trying on some of her old clothes and realised that she could not fit into them any longer. She was extremely upset by it. To make things worse, her boyfriend of 3 years had been teasing her about it, making remarks at how a passing female looks so attractive with her taut body. My friend hated her current body and how she no longer looks as attractive as before. The poor girl...

I must say, she's not even as big as I am. My waist is at least 2 inches thicker than hers, and I wear one size bigger than her. Well, without a doubt, her words brought me down as well. Yet, to her, everyone is okay being "fat", except for herself. Very true indeed. The world only revolves around ourselves when it comes to looking good.

She even wanted to stop her medication because it caused water retention and bloating, which made her feel, and look, worse than ever. She had tried starving herself, and even exercising, but to no avail. She remained the same. I understood her sentiments completely as I myself suffer from a permanent bad bout of water retention and stomach bloating due to my gastric condition. Any slightest bit of food I take causes unwanted reactions in my stomach and results in a pregnant looking middle. I must admit that I hate that so much that for a long period of time, I would refuse to take any food at all so as to stay looking slim. Without saying, this worsened my gastric condition to extreme situations. I didn't care. I just wanted to look pretty.

So why is there so much emphasis on women looking svelte when men can cultivate the size of their beer bellies to gargantuan proportions? For one simple reason: Men are judged by their wallets while women are judged by their looks. Very superficial, you say? Well, look around you and tell me that is not true.

In recent years, there has been more and more attention being devoted to women's outlooks. All sorts of slimming aids, devices and services sprung up all over the world in a quest for feminine perfection. This saddens me so. The case of Slim10 causing local actress Andrea De Cruz to go through liver failure resulted in a big hoohah all over the country. Yet, did that scare women off trying to lose their "fats"? Hardly. Every month, we see new products on the shelves of pharmacies and department stores. Xando, Tummitrim, ExTrim, just to name a few.

What is the world coming to? Is a woman not attractive anymore if she has a tad more fat on her body?

This global phenomenon has brought me down to my knees. Despite my hubby's repetitive assurances of me looking hot and sexy, I still feel FAT. F-A-T. This is now the worst "F" word in any woman's dictionary. I want to slim down. I want my tummy to be flat. I want bigger breasts. Looking back 5 years ago, I thought I was perfect. That confidence that I gave myself proved alluring to men and led to many suitors who wanted to be seen with me. But came the society's nudging towards the conventional beauty of "slim".

Local artistes like Fann Wong, Jeannette Aw and Joanne Peh are all deemed as beautiful and with good figures. But why do I only see them as skinny? They have barely any breasts, no muscles anywhere and a flat bottom. What happened to the good old Marilyn Monroe curvy figure that used to make men drool? What has happened to the men's good taste?

It's the society and the media I tell you. After repeatedly telling you that Fann Wong's figure is perfect, and introducing new talents with figures similar to one another, everyone starts to think "skinny is beautiful". This is media trickery. Do not follow it blindly. If you think Jennifer Lopez looks hot. Say it out loud. There are girls like J Lo who think they're fat. And unabashedly admitting, I am one of them.

I have beautiful pert boobs, a nice round pert ass and curves in the right places. But why are there no men picking me up in clubs anymore? You have all been psycho-ed by the media. A woman should have all the assets that a woman should have. Breasts, butt and an hourglass figure. Skinny is not beautiful. It is a sign of malnutrition and inactivity of the body.

Beauty should come from within. From the confidence that one exudes. From the intelligence that one has. That is why Pamela Anderson only wins the desperate old men as her fans. She has barely any intelligence. And unless a man only wishes to bed their beatiful female and not have them as a life partner, it is quite fine to marry a bimbo. He'll probably only want to hear moaning and nothing else anyway.

No doubt every female should try to look their best, but they should NEVER resort to self-torturing methods to achieve that unfair stereotypical standard of "beauty". Everyone is born different. Some have hips, some don't. Some have boobs, some don't. Don't give in to society's desires. I know it is hard if you haven't been dated by men for ages, which just makes you want to fit in. But look at it this way, if a man won't date you because he thinks you're fat, he's shallow. And who would want to blend into a sea of bamboo-looking females? Like what I always tell my friends, in a crowd, you can always spot me. Simply because I am different.

Why girls mature faster than boys

2005-04-02T04:44:00.000+08:00

It has been proven by that girls mature much faster than boys. Biologically speaking, this is because girls reach puberty at least 3 years before boys. Breasts and curves start to develop way before most boys had even "broken" their voices.

However, a part of my conversation with my husband on toys could prove another point why men tend to be more childish and/or naive than women. Men's toys grow into adult hobbies.

Ever thought that fiddling with remote control cars or fixing up car models were childish? Most would hardly think so, as such hobbies require patience and psycho-motor skills that some others can hardly achieve. I, for one, am completely unable to concentrate on those tiny bits of plastic and metal for 30 minutes. Let alone spend weeks to complete it.

The truth is, such hobbies are adult versions of toys that these men used to play with in their childhood. Sometimes, they are childhood desires that grow into a hobby when they start working and are finally able to purchase their own entertainment.

Women, on the other hand, do not have toys as such for them to "grow into". In fact, many girls' toys are mimics of adult women's lifestyles. Pretend make-up, plastic or plush pets, doll replicas of babies, playing dress up, "cooking" with kitchen sets, etc. When these girls grow up, they ease themselves into the actual thing that they have been playing pretend for throughout their childhood. Applying real make-up, having real pets that require time and affection, preparing edible meals instead of plastic vegetables and becoming mothers and having children.

In other words, girls' toys prepare them for the adult life waiting right ahead, whereas boys' toys are just, well, toys. Most of them serve little purpose in priming them for the life of a full-fledged adult male. Therefore, when they start to have buying power, males continue to indulge in their childhood interests such as model cars while females buy accessories to beautify themselves.

So, the next time you buy toys for a kid, be careful what you eventually decide on. YOU could have a part to play in the kid's future!

** Disclaimer: The above post strictly represent the blogger's own views, and does not include any scientific or pyschological research whatsoever. **

- backview -

2005-03-26T16:50:00.000+08:00

NOTE: All posts with titles containing the "- xyz -" are digitally enhanced pictures. These photos have been tweaked and/or changed with the use of Adobe Photoshop.

A post specially for Fiona

2005-03-25T05:10:00.000+08:00

Most parents love their children. I won't say all, because there ARE deranged parents who are drunkards/gamblers/psychos who abuse their children and, in certain extreme cases, even rape/sodomise them.

I came from a normal family. Doting parents, a roof over my head and any other tangible stuff that I may ever want. Branded clothes like Guess and Versace, fancy toys and birthday parties. I could say I had it all. Yet I HATED my mum. She would hit me all the time over little things like scoring 70/100 for my exams and coming home 30 minutes late after school. I felt I was being mistreated and that she didn't love me.

In April 2004, after she passed away from committing suicide, I understood what she was trying to do to me in my childhood.

I moved out of my parents' place officially in July 2002, into my then-boyfriend's place and stayed there til we broke up in March 2004. At that time, only my mum and brother was residing in that Tampines flat. My dad had already left us in March 2000, moving out all his stuff and never contacted us again.

My mum was initially very mad at me for leaving the household that was already so broken without the presence of the family man. Yet, ironically, she was the one who chased me out because I was always working late til wee hours of the morning. She felt that I was not a part of the family and was not interested in coming home. She stated that since I did not get paid OT, there was no reason to work late. Being a clinic nurse since 1993, she did not understand that if I didn't finish my work, I still had to return to it the next day. The next day would still have new work coming in, and NOTHING would be accomplished because everything would just pile up.

My then-boyfriend was enraged that she did not see that point, and encouraged me to move over with him. In any case, we had already been dating for 4 years at that point, and his parents would be more than willing to take me in. They had long grown sick of seeing cane marks and bruises on me and had been unable to persuade my mum to discipline me in other ways.

My mum and I did not speak for the next 3 months. A span of time I felt was too long for parent and child not to be communicating as for slightly more than 2 years, all we had was each other. When she finally made contact with me, everything seemed different. We were like friends. We even poked fun at each other. Something I had never been able to do to her before because she would say that I did not respect her.

My relationship with my mum finally improved after all these years of me being alive.

When she died, I looked back and realised a few things:

1. She had depression and she had no outlets to vent her upset mind, therefore she punished/screamed at me as an outlet for her frustrations.

2. She expected so much from me because she believed that I could do it. I was by no means stupid. I was just lazy. She wanted me to do good with my life unlike what she has.

3. She was a very young mother, giving birth to me at the tender age of 20. Imagine what YOU are doing at 20? She didn't really know how to handle children.

4. She had secretly blamed me for her plight. If not for the fact that she got pregnant with me, she didn't have to lose her youth to my heartless father. And seriously, I don't blame her. It is a mother's instinct to love her unborn child, yet when they are born, the responsibility tends to get to great to bear.

At the peak of my relationship with my mum, she passed away. For many months she had been telling me about her rocky relationship with her boyfriend. I guess it just became too much for her to take. She took her life to get out of it.

I know some people will think it is stupid to die for love. Yet I will unabashedly tell you that I would do the same too. Romance/love is not something explainable (please see my earlier post) and barely anyone can convincing explain it rationally. My mum had suffered tremendous heartache after the divorce incident with my dad, and I guess this was the last straw.

Now my dad is trying to redeem himself by being supportive of my studies and religiously giving me sufficienct pocket money weekly. He even got me chalets and stocks up my favourite canned tuna to make sure I have food.

I guess he knows he can NEVER make up for the hardships I went through outside when he was gone. He knows that my gastric condition was made worse when he left because I refused to eat much and had to work and school at the same time to help support the family. But he IS trying, and I appreciate that.

Fiona, try to look at things from your dad's viewpoint. Now that my brother is mainly under my care, I understand the concerns that one can have for their young. I actually cried that day when my bro lied to me. But all was forgiven and everything is back on track. Your father loves you. That's why he cares. Try and understand that.

I know what you are feeling towards your parents. I really do understand as you know my family background. Just don't regret when you lose them. You really don't want to do that because when that day comes, NOTHING can reverse the situation.

An unexplained emotion

2005-03-25T03:07:00.000+08:00

Love is but an emotion.
An emotion sparked off by nothing except what others claim to be "chemistry" or "fate".
How can anyone trust something that is not founded and can never be explained?

You can call it the miracle of living, to be able to love and be loved. The feeling of sinking yourself so deep into someone can be complete bliss, and at the same time, suffocating.

The moment your loved one leaves your sight and smell, you feel an emptiness inside and around you. No number of phone calls can void that unexplainable sense of loss you feel so deeply. No number of emails or length of online chats can salvage and uplift you. Alone, both are just wandering lost souls searching their way back to each other. It hurts so much, and yet it feels so good. I guess this is what they call "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". The more you hurt, the better the reunion. In a way, I guess we are all masochists of heartache. Suckers for romance.

Almost every romantic flick will have a break-up and make-up scene where the characters are usually locked in a deep embrace and kiss. The feeling of being united with your loved one again is a feeling truly unexplainable. There is nothing there, just an unknown comfort deep inside you and some physical contact, yet some much surfaces from there. Love, joy, comfort, and a slightly sourish feeling in your chest from all the missing that you felt when the other was away. Such is the wonders of love.

I used to crave and embrace the idea of being in love. Something so commonly portrayed in movies, yet so rare to achieve in real life. Is it really that easy to find "the one" in a sea of people? Does life really grant you that lucky chance to meet your destined one albeit your boring daily routine?

I can say that whatever we gather about love from the movies are all hog-wash, yet there have been individual successful relationships that really did sprout off just like a story plot. Who am I to judge love? I am but a supposed romantic who has been jaded through the years of heartbreaks and ironic twists of fate.

My life has been as dramatic as it can get. And the same goes for my love life. My life is not as anyone can imagine, but close friends would know better. Yet no one knows better than that once special man in my life. He was there with me through most of life's nonsensical torments that I had to endure in the crucial six years of my younger days. And he supported me and gave me courage and hope to face them all. Yet, just like the movies, this man got away. All because I wanted him to. If my life was made into a movie, the audience would probably be calling me stupid at this point of the show. Yes, I admit. I am a moron. I know not how to cherish the good.

In my heart of hearts, I am wishing that this WILL turn out like the movies, where the couple eventually get back together and live happily ever after. However, romance flicks nowadays don't really guarantee a happy ending. Me being my stubborn, liberal, new-age self, will probably end up in a revolutionary film and end up with more "interesting" endings other than happily ever after. No doubt it would be less expected and more exciting, but deep in everyone, there is a craving for romance. A life just like the movies. Not mundane or boring, but filled with exciting and heart-skipping moments. A life actually worth living and boasting about.

I just want to fulfill the last chapter of my life by having my happily ever after. Preferably with the one that got away. He who got away with my comfort, confidence and hopes. He who loved me so much that no one else could ever compare. He who is happy without me now. I hate it so much, but yet i cannot help but wish him good luck and good life. He will be in my mind always. Be happy, and be in love.

conformists to contortists

2005-03-22T15:31:00.000+08:00

Conformist -- adj. : adhering to established customs or doctrines (especially in religion)

It is undeniable that since time immemorial, our forefathers have strived hard to mould their offspring to conform to standards that have been set by those before them. Behaviours such as honesty, devotion to family and celibacy before marriage are, of course, qualities highly desired by the elders. Ability to extend such qualities for purposeful use in the society was greatly admired and often started a new standard for others that are to follow.

One example would be Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy of non-violence and how he perished for that belief that he stood up for so strongly. Sure, his death gave India back its independence and brought on world attention, but still, some say it was too rash a move and it was certainly not worth it. Yet, if the one who has suffered believes the action was worthy, who are we to judge?

To look at things from a non-judgemental angle, just for the sake of argument, Gandhi would have done just as much, if not more, for his people if he was to live longer. His wisdom in all matters big or small would have helped his government and people in many ways, except that if he had lived his life as so, he probably would not earn himself a space in every encyclopedia available today. Undoubtedly, there would also be fewer people who would know of his name and brave deeds.

Nowadays, we have a new group of conformists. I named them "contortists". These are conformists who bend their rules according to what the situation calls for. They do not stick to one way of thinking and insist on it over their dead bodies. They are flexible, intelligent people. No longer will anyone try to go on strike by fasting. And if it fails, try the same method again.

The plans now are simple. If this does work, try that. It is no longer viable to do and redo the same methods hoping that having a higher hit rate would eventually make it work. These "contortists" are not your regular conformists. They seem to be playing by the rules, but in actual fact, they are not. I wouldn't claim that they utilise deviously underhand methods to achieve their aims, but nevertheless, the world does have all sorts of minds.

Let us be honest here. How many actual conformists do you know? Due to the evolution of the human mind, the mental pollution from society and the liberal material easily available online, everyone has quietly become a contortist. We lie, we act, and we have at least three different ways to convince someone to give in to us.

Classic example:
Amy wants to go to a late night movie. Her parents say no. What can she say to defend her interest?
1. "All my friends are going." (Gaining sympathy)
2. "I'll clean the house for the whole of next week." (Bribery)
3. "I need to watch this movie for a school project and this is the last screening!" (Using education as an excuse)

I don't think I'll need to explain further as to how we are ALL contortists nowadays. We know what works on the opposite party, and we change according to the needs. And when it comes to dealing with someone else on the same matter, we use other tactics that we know would work better.

Conformists? I think not. Thought hasn't been going in a straight line for the longest time.

** DISCLAIMER: The above article is purely a blabber with no intentions of slandering/defaming anyone. If it bores you, feel free to screw off. **

For my mum

2005-03-19T12:06:00.000+08:00

My creator,
my parent,
You have left your mark on me.

From my first ABC's
to my first 123's,
You were there encouraging me.

My first song,
my first dance,
Absolutely adored by you.

You believed in me,
You gave me trust.
You always thought I would do well.

But I disappointed you.
I gave you tears and heartache.
Like what you are giving to me now.

I said
one more song
and my tears will stop.

But they did not.
They continue to fall
for you.

I am sorry for all
the tears
the pain
I caused upon you.

If you could hear me in heaven,
hear this:
I love you.

You know
I always did
and always will.

If you can see this in heaven,
read this:
I miss you.

We all do.
For your quirky humour
and the weird way you care.

If you can see me from heaven,
I want you to know:
I am married to a good man.

I know you will love him.
I want you to see our wedding,
our future children.

If I could visit you in heaven,
I would.
I'd hold you so tight
and tell you what I've always said:

"All is forgiven.
I love you so."

Movie Review - The Woodsman

2005-03-16T05:32:00.000+08:00

SYNOPSIS

The Woodsman is an emotional film charting the life of Walter, wonderfully portrayed by Kevin Bacon, after being released from 12 long years in prison for child molestation. He meets and starts a passionate relationship with Vicki, a colleague from the lumberyard he works in, but still is unable to resist the temptations of young girls' bodies.

Despite regularly visiting a therapist, Walter still has to fight against himself mentally and emotionally everytime he looks out of his window and sees the pre-pubescent girls playing in the school compound. He has even been denied visits to his own sister and his niece due to his previous sexual offences. He only wished to be normal, and tries very hard by avoiding girls to prevent himself from doing wrong again. But one day, he skips his bus stop to follow an 11 year old fellow passenger, Robin, to a city park.

Nothing happened, but back at work, Mary-kay, a nosy secretary played by singer Eve, had searched on the internet and printed out Walter's criminal records and pasted it at the lumberyard. This agitated Walter and he left work early and went to the same park where he tailed Robin to. There he meets her again, and this time round, he asks her to sit on his lap, which she politely declined. After some talking, she revealed that her father makes her sit on his lap too, and after some probing, Walter finds out that her father has actually been molesting her.

A wave of anguish and anger follows. For the first time, he feels the emotional trauma that the molested children feel as he sees Robin shed tears when talking about her father. This burst of emotions was so strong that he even beats up "Candy" on the way home, this man who he has noticed for weeks hanging around the school near his place and picking up random young boys in his car.

Walter's parole officer visits him the next day informing him that someone was beaten up very badly the next before, and also said that the victim was a child molester from another state. The officer hinted that because of that, Walter would not be charged for causing bodily harm. Walter was a reformed man.

MY THOUGHTS

This movie can prove to be slow and boring for some as it requires the audience to "feel" the mental confusion that Walter is going through. The denial of being accepted back into society and viewed as someone normal instead of a "freak' is something very painful and depressing. All these emotions were displayed very well through Kevin Bacon's fantastic portrayal as an ex-convict trying to go straight. We can almost feel his internal struggles everytime he feels the temptations luring him again.

There are NO elaborate movie sets, costumes or special effects in this film, but the actors are all top notch. Even the little girl Robin, was played by a very talented young lady. I highly recommend this movie to those who like their big screen entertainment off the beaten track, or for those who want to walk out of the cinema feeling empathy for those who have erred before.

Hopefully this movie will aid in changing the minds of those who are insistent on shunning others who have committed crimes before. There may be people who have molested, raped, robbed, or even killed before, but if they are truly sincere about turning over a new leaf, I believe each of them should be granted that chance. Who dares to stand out and say that they have never erred before? Some may do wrong in small ways, like telling a little lie, but nonetheless it is wrong. We cannot look down on others just because they have committed grievous mistakes in their lives before. If they were given a choice, I am quite sure none of them would do it again. So please, look at the big picture. Nobody likes to be ostracized for something that they are repenting for.

Thank You...

2005-02-11T03:59:00.000+08:00

Thank you for showing me
What love is,
What forgiveness is,
What patience is.

Thank you for bestowing on me
Utmost care and concern,
Unselfish love,
Complete trust.

Thank you for being
Honest,
Understanding,
Thoughtful.

Thank you for doing all the
Intangible,
Unspeakable,
Unexpected.

Thank you for being there for me.
Always.
Every single moment.
To be the one I want you to be.

fatally addictive...

2005-01-27T04:08:00.000+08:00

His kisses are like poison.
They seep into my bloodstream,
Conquering every bit of logic in me,
Ultimately emerging victorious.

Memories of the past,
The depressing and the uplifting,
Lives in my mind,
As fresh as if it was yesterday.

Feb 5th is approaching so soon.
I fear.
The excitement of this big decision
Is coupled with the fear of a lifetime commitment.

My judgement is swayed with every word he speaks.
My sanity is threatened with every kiss he gives.
My future is uncertain with every impulsive act he does.
My life is entire in his hands.

Yet I cannot pull myself away.
His love,
It conquers me.
It poisons me.

He is like a drug.
Addictive,
And with side effects.
I am hooked.

Love was a myth...

2005-01-20T16:59:00.000+08:00

Love was a myth.
A fairy tale conjured up by those from the past.
I was a skeptic.
I was a fool.

Here I am now.
Swept off my feet by a Prince Charming.
Feeling the emotions flow through me.
Love I never thought I could feel.

My heart beats doubly quick.
My smiles are laced with shyness.
The first time you said you love me,
I felt my heart burst with happiness.

That elated feeling.
That sweet intoxication.
That miraculous unseen bond.
Love.

The door was open.
The light was shone.
I was loving
And being loved.

How wonderful life becomes!
Each day is anticipated.
Each kiss is cherished.
Each hug is emotionally nourishing.

Love is no longer a myth.
Love is a daily reality.
Love is what I feel for you.
Always.

Me.

2005-01-13T20:41:00.000+08:00

Spoilt brat.
Shopping queen.
Tai-tai in training.
Princess Extraodinaire.

Completely vain.
Occassionally girly.
Always sexy.
Hoping to be savvy.

Musically infused.
Cat adoring.
Movie loving.
Food enjoying.

Technologically capable.
Fashionably passable.
Linguistically teachable.
Socially acceptable.

Possibly domesticated.
Definitely attached.
Deeply loved by one man.
Hopelessly in love with that same man.

Getting married.

My current wallpaper!

2005-01-13T16:28:00.000+08:00

Another PhotoShopped piece of work that I put together during my hours of boredom waiting for hubby-to-be to knock off work... These are initially two separate photographs which have been background-removed (by Magic Wand), filtered and placed together. Then adding the final touches of some mushy mushy text for a perfect pre-nuptial wallpaper!

Movie Review - The Phantom Of The Opera

2005-01-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

Another stage musical remade for the big screen, following the likes of Les Miserables and Chicago, The Phantom of The Opera could prove to be another shocker. Simply for the fact that all members of the cast are talented enough to back up the vocals for the famed Andrew Lyodd Webber score.

Initially, it was widely believed that the actors were all lip-syncing to songs, because it was so obvious that they were lip-syncing. After some research on the internet, I found out that each and every of the cast members contributed their singing talents to the soundtrack, including veteran actor Gerard Butler (as the Phantom) and Minnie Driver (as Carlotta). The most amazing trivia was that the lead actress Emmy Rossum, who stars as Christine Daae, is only 18 years old, and yet possesses a powerful voice as such. Thus making the soundtrack unique from the former recordings of the London and Broadway cast.

The movie sets are intricately designed to follow as close to the theatre production as possible. A lot of detail went into the set of the Phantom's underground dungeon, with a magnificently done sewer complete with dark moulding walls. This is one detail that would be impossible to create in the stage version of the musical.

Although many still presume that this movie remake of The Phantom Of The Opera still lacks a particular element in comparison to the original stage version, I strongly recommend that little details throughout the movie should be given credit. The production crew needs to pay special attention to costumes and sets as the story is played out on the big screen, where every little detail can be seen clearly by the audience, unlike the theatre version. The casting must have been difficult too, to be able to find good acclaimed actors who, at the same time, possess a vocal prowess worthy of this famously evergreen musical.

marriage

2005-01-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

You don't marry someone you can live with-
You marry the person whom you cannot live without.
But then again,
There is no one in the world that you cannot live without...

Dedicated to one who loved

2004-12-29T19:13:00.000+08:00

Shelter you provided.
Love you gave.
Care you showered.
Gifts you bestowed.

Love you did not receive.
Care you did not get.
Gifts were hardly given.
But yet you still were there.

Regret is too late.
Reminiscing is the only comfort.
Love you I did not.
Now the guilt is felt.

You were an angel,
Never abandoning me.
Always there by my side,
Through all thick and thin.

Thank you, my friend.
A million apologies will not turn back time,
But I hope from here forth,
You will find the happiness you have always wished for.
That happiness that you had longed to find with me.

Damien

2004-12-27T01:19:00.000+08:00

Damien's looking cool enjoying the seabreeze on the way over to Pulau Ubin. And that's MY pair of Oakleys!

Christmas kiss

2004-12-27T01:10:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas from us to all those in love and being loved...
Treasure all those around you
Every single day.
Show them your love, care and concern.
And one day,
You will find your love well worth the contributing.

X'mas Mess!!

2004-12-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

Alcohol, cigarettes and presents... What better combination for celebrating a Merry Christmas?? ;p

Look at the confetti and all!! Such is the state of the floor after the countdown and the mindless spewing of foam ribbons at each other...

Postcoital bliss

2004-12-22T18:20:00.000+08:00

Postcoital bliss.
The moments when two people are bonded as one,
Emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

newest tatt

2004-12-21T04:21:00.000+08:00

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