A post specially for Fiona

Most parents love their children. I won't say all, because there ARE deranged parents who are drunkards/gamblers/psychos who abuse their children and, in certain extreme cases, even rape/sodomise them.

I came from a normal family. Doting parents, a roof over my head and any other tangible stuff that I may ever want. Branded clothes like Guess and Versace, fancy toys and birthday parties. I could say I had it all. Yet I HATED my mum. She would hit me all the time over little things like scoring 70/100 for my exams and coming home 30 minutes late after school. I felt I was being mistreated and that she didn't love me.

In April 2004, after she passed away from committing suicide, I understood what she was trying to do to me in my childhood.

I moved out of my parents' place officially in July 2002, into my then-boyfriend's place and stayed there til we broke up in March 2004. At that time, only my mum and brother was residing in that Tampines flat. My dad had already left us in March 2000, moving out all his stuff and never contacted us again.

My mum was initially very mad at me for leaving the household that was already so broken without the presence of the family man. Yet, ironically, she was the one who chased me out because I was always working late til wee hours of the morning. She felt that I was not a part of the family and was not interested in coming home. She stated that since I did not get paid OT, there was no reason to work late. Being a clinic nurse since 1993, she did not understand that if I didn't finish my work, I still had to return to it the next day. The next day would still have new work coming in, and NOTHING would be accomplished because everything would just pile up.

My then-boyfriend was enraged that she did not see that point, and encouraged me to move over with him. In any case, we had already been dating for 4 years at that point, and his parents would be more than willing to take me in. They had long grown sick of seeing cane marks and bruises on me and had been unable to persuade my mum to discipline me in other ways.

My mum and I did not speak for the next 3 months. A span of time I felt was too long for parent and child not to be communicating as for slightly more than 2 years, all we had was each other. When she finally made contact with me, everything seemed different. We were like friends. We even poked fun at each other. Something I had never been able to do to her before because she would say that I did not respect her.

My relationship with my mum finally improved after all these years of me being alive.

When she died, I looked back and realised a few things:

1. She had depression and she had no outlets to vent her upset mind, therefore she punished/screamed at me as an outlet for her frustrations.

2. She expected so much from me because she believed that I could do it. I was by no means stupid. I was just lazy. She wanted me to do good with my life unlike what she has.

3. She was a very young mother, giving birth to me at the tender age of 20. Imagine what YOU are doing at 20? She didn't really know how to handle children.

4. She had secretly blamed me for her plight. If not for the fact that she got pregnant with me, she didn't have to lose her youth to my heartless father. And seriously, I don't blame her. It is a mother's instinct to love her unborn child, yet when they are born, the responsibility tends to get to great to bear.

At the peak of my relationship with my mum, she passed away. For many months she had been telling me about her rocky relationship with her boyfriend. I guess it just became too much for her to take. She took her life to get out of it.

I know some people will think it is stupid to die for love. Yet I will unabashedly tell you that I would do the same too. Romance/love is not something explainable (please see my earlier post) and barely anyone can convincing explain it rationally. My mum had suffered tremendous heartache after the divorce incident with my dad, and I guess this was the last straw.

Now my dad is trying to redeem himself by being supportive of my studies and religiously giving me sufficienct pocket money weekly. He even got me chalets and stocks up my favourite canned tuna to make sure I have food.

I guess he knows he can NEVER make up for the hardships I went through outside when he was gone. He knows that my gastric condition was made worse when he left because I refused to eat much and had to work and school at the same time to help support the family. But he IS trying, and I appreciate that.

Fiona, try to look at things from your dad's viewpoint. Now that my brother is mainly under my care, I understand the concerns that one can have for their young. I actually cried that day when my bro lied to me. But all was forgiven and everything is back on track. Your father loves you. That's why he cares. Try and understand that.

I know what you are feeling towards your parents. I really do understand as you know my family background. Just don't regret when you lose them. You really don't want to do that because when that day comes, NOTHING can reverse the situation.