- backview -

NOTE: All posts with titles containing the "- xyz -" are digitally enhanced pictures. These photos have been tweaked and/or changed with the use of Adobe Photoshop.

A post specially for Fiona

Most parents love their children. I won't say all, because there ARE deranged parents who are drunkards/gamblers/psychos who abuse their children and, in certain extreme cases, even rape/sodomise them.

I came from a normal family. Doting parents, a roof over my head and any other tangible stuff that I may ever want. Branded clothes like Guess and Versace, fancy toys and birthday parties. I could say I had it all. Yet I HATED my mum. She would hit me all the time over little things like scoring 70/100 for my exams and coming home 30 minutes late after school. I felt I was being mistreated and that she didn't love me.

In April 2004, after she passed away from committing suicide, I understood what she was trying to do to me in my childhood.

I moved out of my parents' place officially in July 2002, into my then-boyfriend's place and stayed there til we broke up in March 2004. At that time, only my mum and brother was residing in that Tampines flat. My dad had already left us in March 2000, moving out all his stuff and never contacted us again.

My mum was initially very mad at me for leaving the household that was already so broken without the presence of the family man. Yet, ironically, she was the one who chased me out because I was always working late til wee hours of the morning. She felt that I was not a part of the family and was not interested in coming home. She stated that since I did not get paid OT, there was no reason to work late. Being a clinic nurse since 1993, she did not understand that if I didn't finish my work, I still had to return to it the next day. The next day would still have new work coming in, and NOTHING would be accomplished because everything would just pile up.

My then-boyfriend was enraged that she did not see that point, and encouraged me to move over with him. In any case, we had already been dating for 4 years at that point, and his parents would be more than willing to take me in. They had long grown sick of seeing cane marks and bruises on me and had been unable to persuade my mum to discipline me in other ways.

My mum and I did not speak for the next 3 months. A span of time I felt was too long for parent and child not to be communicating as for slightly more than 2 years, all we had was each other. When she finally made contact with me, everything seemed different. We were like friends. We even poked fun at each other. Something I had never been able to do to her before because she would say that I did not respect her.

My relationship with my mum finally improved after all these years of me being alive.

When she died, I looked back and realised a few things:

1. She had depression and she had no outlets to vent her upset mind, therefore she punished/screamed at me as an outlet for her frustrations.

2. She expected so much from me because she believed that I could do it. I was by no means stupid. I was just lazy. She wanted me to do good with my life unlike what she has.

3. She was a very young mother, giving birth to me at the tender age of 20. Imagine what YOU are doing at 20? She didn't really know how to handle children.

4. She had secretly blamed me for her plight. If not for the fact that she got pregnant with me, she didn't have to lose her youth to my heartless father. And seriously, I don't blame her. It is a mother's instinct to love her unborn child, yet when they are born, the responsibility tends to get to great to bear.

At the peak of my relationship with my mum, she passed away. For many months she had been telling me about her rocky relationship with her boyfriend. I guess it just became too much for her to take. She took her life to get out of it.

I know some people will think it is stupid to die for love. Yet I will unabashedly tell you that I would do the same too. Romance/love is not something explainable (please see my earlier post) and barely anyone can convincing explain it rationally. My mum had suffered tremendous heartache after the divorce incident with my dad, and I guess this was the last straw.

Now my dad is trying to redeem himself by being supportive of my studies and religiously giving me sufficienct pocket money weekly. He even got me chalets and stocks up my favourite canned tuna to make sure I have food.

I guess he knows he can NEVER make up for the hardships I went through outside when he was gone. He knows that my gastric condition was made worse when he left because I refused to eat much and had to work and school at the same time to help support the family. But he IS trying, and I appreciate that.

Fiona, try to look at things from your dad's viewpoint. Now that my brother is mainly under my care, I understand the concerns that one can have for their young. I actually cried that day when my bro lied to me. But all was forgiven and everything is back on track. Your father loves you. That's why he cares. Try and understand that.

I know what you are feeling towards your parents. I really do understand as you know my family background. Just don't regret when you lose them. You really don't want to do that because when that day comes, NOTHING can reverse the situation.

An unexplained emotion

Love is but an emotion.
An emotion sparked off by nothing except what others claim to be "chemistry" or "fate".
How can anyone trust something that is not founded and can never be explained?

You can call it the miracle of living, to be able to love and be loved. The feeling of sinking yourself so deep into someone can be complete bliss, and at the same time, suffocating.

The moment your loved one leaves your sight and smell, you feel an emptiness inside and around you. No number of phone calls can void that unexplainable sense of loss you feel so deeply. No number of emails or length of online chats can salvage and uplift you. Alone, both are just wandering lost souls searching their way back to each other. It hurts so much, and yet it feels so good. I guess this is what they call "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". The more you hurt, the better the reunion. In a way, I guess we are all masochists of heartache. Suckers for romance.

Almost every romantic flick will have a break-up and make-up scene where the characters are usually locked in a deep embrace and kiss. The feeling of being united with your loved one again is a feeling truly unexplainable. There is nothing there, just an unknown comfort deep inside you and some physical contact, yet some much surfaces from there. Love, joy, comfort, and a slightly sourish feeling in your chest from all the missing that you felt when the other was away. Such is the wonders of love.

I used to crave and embrace the idea of being in love. Something so commonly portrayed in movies, yet so rare to achieve in real life. Is it really that easy to find "the one" in a sea of people? Does life really grant you that lucky chance to meet your destined one albeit your boring daily routine?

I can say that whatever we gather about love from the movies are all hog-wash, yet there have been individual successful relationships that really did sprout off just like a story plot. Who am I to judge love? I am but a supposed romantic who has been jaded through the years of heartbreaks and ironic twists of fate.

My life has been as dramatic as it can get. And the same goes for my love life. My life is not as anyone can imagine, but close friends would know better. Yet no one knows better than that once special man in my life. He was there with me through most of life's nonsensical torments that I had to endure in the crucial six years of my younger days. And he supported me and gave me courage and hope to face them all. Yet, just like the movies, this man got away. All because I wanted him to. If my life was made into a movie, the audience would probably be calling me stupid at this point of the show. Yes, I admit. I am a moron. I know not how to cherish the good.

In my heart of hearts, I am wishing that this WILL turn out like the movies, where the couple eventually get back together and live happily ever after. However, romance flicks nowadays don't really guarantee a happy ending. Me being my stubborn, liberal, new-age self, will probably end up in a revolutionary film and end up with more "interesting" endings other than happily ever after. No doubt it would be less expected and more exciting, but deep in everyone, there is a craving for romance. A life just like the movies. Not mundane or boring, but filled with exciting and heart-skipping moments. A life actually worth living and boasting about.

I just want to fulfill the last chapter of my life by having my happily ever after. Preferably with the one that got away. He who got away with my comfort, confidence and hopes. He who loved me so much that no one else could ever compare. He who is happy without me now. I hate it so much, but yet i cannot help but wish him good luck and good life. He will be in my mind always. Be happy, and be in love.

conformists to contortists

Conformist -- adj. : adhering to established customs or doctrines (especially in religion)

It is undeniable that since time immemorial, our forefathers have strived hard to mould their offspring to conform to standards that have been set by those before them. Behaviours such as honesty, devotion to family and celibacy before marriage are, of course, qualities highly desired by the elders. Ability to extend such qualities for purposeful use in the society was greatly admired and often started a new standard for others that are to follow.

One example would be Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy of non-violence and how he perished for that belief that he stood up for so strongly. Sure, his death gave India back its independence and brought on world attention, but still, some say it was too rash a move and it was certainly not worth it. Yet, if the one who has suffered believes the action was worthy, who are we to judge?

To look at things from a non-judgemental angle, just for the sake of argument, Gandhi would have done just as much, if not more, for his people if he was to live longer. His wisdom in all matters big or small would have helped his government and people in many ways, except that if he had lived his life as so, he probably would not earn himself a space in every encyclopedia available today. Undoubtedly, there would also be fewer people who would know of his name and brave deeds.

Nowadays, we have a new group of conformists. I named them "contortists". These are conformists who bend their rules according to what the situation calls for. They do not stick to one way of thinking and insist on it over their dead bodies. They are flexible, intelligent people. No longer will anyone try to go on strike by fasting. And if it fails, try the same method again.

The plans now are simple. If this does work, try that. It is no longer viable to do and redo the same methods hoping that having a higher hit rate would eventually make it work. These "contortists" are not your regular conformists. They seem to be playing by the rules, but in actual fact, they are not. I wouldn't claim that they utilise deviously underhand methods to achieve their aims, but nevertheless, the world does have all sorts of minds.

Let us be honest here. How many actual conformists do you know? Due to the evolution of the human mind, the mental pollution from society and the liberal material easily available online, everyone has quietly become a contortist. We lie, we act, and we have at least three different ways to convince someone to give in to us.

Classic example:
Amy wants to go to a late night movie. Her parents say no. What can she say to defend her interest?
1. "All my friends are going." (Gaining sympathy)
2. "I'll clean the house for the whole of next week." (Bribery)
3. "I need to watch this movie for a school project and this is the last screening!" (Using education as an excuse)

I don't think I'll need to explain further as to how we are ALL contortists nowadays. We know what works on the opposite party, and we change according to the needs. And when it comes to dealing with someone else on the same matter, we use other tactics that we know would work better.

Conformists? I think not. Thought hasn't been going in a straight line for the longest time.



** DISCLAIMER: The above article is purely a blabber with no intentions of slandering/defaming anyone. If it bores you, feel free to screw off. **

For my mum

My creator,
my parent,
You have left your mark on me.

From my first ABC's
to my first 123's,
You were there encouraging me.

My first song,
my first dance,
Absolutely adored by you.

You believed in me,
You gave me trust.
You always thought I would do well.

But I disappointed you.
I gave you tears and heartache.
Like what you are giving to me now.

I said
one more song
and my tears will stop.

But they did not.
They continue to fall
for you.

I am sorry for all
the tears
the pain
I caused upon you.

If you could hear me in heaven,
hear this:
I love you.

You know
I always did
and always will.

If you can see this in heaven,
read this:
I miss you.

We all do.
For your quirky humour
and the weird way you care.

If you can see me from heaven,
I want you to know:
I am married to a good man.

I know you will love him.
I want you to see our wedding,
our future children.

If I could visit you in heaven,
I would.
I'd hold you so tight
and tell you what I've always said:

"All is forgiven.
I love you so."

Movie Review - The Woodsman

SYNOPSIS

The Woodsman is an emotional film charting the life of Walter, wonderfully portrayed by Kevin Bacon, after being released from 12 long years in prison for child molestation. He meets and starts a passionate relationship with Vicki, a colleague from the lumberyard he works in, but still is unable to resist the temptations of young girls' bodies.

Despite regularly visiting a therapist, Walter still has to fight against himself mentally and emotionally everytime he looks out of his window and sees the pre-pubescent girls playing in the school compound. He has even been denied visits to his own sister and his niece due to his previous sexual offences. He only wished to be normal, and tries very hard by avoiding girls to prevent himself from doing wrong again. But one day, he skips his bus stop to follow an 11 year old fellow passenger, Robin, to a city park.

Nothing happened, but back at work, Mary-kay, a nosy secretary played by singer Eve, had searched on the internet and printed out Walter's criminal records and pasted it at the lumberyard. This agitated Walter and he left work early and went to the same park where he tailed Robin to. There he meets her again, and this time round, he asks her to sit on his lap, which she politely declined. After some talking, she revealed that her father makes her sit on his lap too, and after some probing, Walter finds out that her father has actually been molesting her.

A wave of anguish and anger follows. For the first time, he feels the emotional trauma that the molested children feel as he sees Robin shed tears when talking about her father. This burst of emotions was so strong that he even beats up "Candy" on the way home, this man who he has noticed for weeks hanging around the school near his place and picking up random young boys in his car.

Walter's parole officer visits him the next day informing him that someone was beaten up very badly the next before, and also said that the victim was a child molester from another state. The officer hinted that because of that, Walter would not be charged for causing bodily harm. Walter was a reformed man.


MY THOUGHTS

This movie can prove to be slow and boring for some as it requires the audience to "feel" the mental confusion that Walter is going through. The denial of being accepted back into society and viewed as someone normal instead of a "freak' is something very painful and depressing. All these emotions were displayed very well through Kevin Bacon's fantastic portrayal as an ex-convict trying to go straight. We can almost feel his internal struggles everytime he feels the temptations luring him again.

There are NO elaborate movie sets, costumes or special effects in this film, but the actors are all top notch. Even the little girl Robin, was played by a very talented young lady. I highly recommend this movie to those who like their big screen entertainment off the beaten track, or for those who want to walk out of the cinema feeling empathy for those who have erred before.

Hopefully this movie will aid in changing the minds of those who are insistent on shunning others who have committed crimes before. There may be people who have molested, raped, robbed, or even killed before, but if they are truly sincere about turning over a new leaf, I believe each of them should be granted that chance. Who dares to stand out and say that they have never erred before? Some may do wrong in small ways, like telling a little lie, but nonetheless it is wrong. We cannot look down on others just because they have committed grievous mistakes in their lives before. If they were given a choice, I am quite sure none of them would do it again. So please, look at the big picture. Nobody likes to be ostracized for something that they are repenting for.